So, this birthday, I’m feeling much more reflective on the year that’s come before than I usually am. Typically, I’m all about what’s next, but I thought I’d take a minute to reflect on what’s come before.
Here are a couple nuggets that I’ve learned over this last year (or so). Hopefully I’ll carry them with me into the year that is to come…
I actually like myself! Somehow, my assessment of my self esteem stalled out around junior high (when I definitely did not like myself). I steadily grew in confidence and independence, but I would still say that I didn’t like myself all that much. Maybe I was confusing humility (which I think is a good quality in measure) with not liking myself. But either way, over the last year or so, I’ve accepted the fact that I do think I’m a pretty good person (with the confidence to wear glitter booties in public.) I screw up for sure. But on balance, I like who I see in the mirror.
I can filter myself and still be authentic. This is a tough one. What you see on the blog, Insta, Twitter, Facebook isn’t the whole picture. And I think you know that. But that doesn’t mean that the slice I show there isn’t real, authentic me. I struggled with feeling like maybe I was putting on a face that wasn’t genuine. But I’ve learned the balance between sharing pieces that are surely real and still keeping things for myself.
Friendships are a great challenge with great rewards. Similar to leaving my self esteem assessment in junior high, I thought I left friendship challenges there too. But in every stage of life, as we navigate new experiences, we make and break friendships and it is a challenging thing to handle. Why do some friendships fall away? What makes others stick? How can I be for someone the friend they actually need me to be and not just the friend I think they need me to be? I have absolutely no answers other than to say that acknowledging the challenge and the process has been it’s own reward. When you stop expecting it to be easy, but know that the process has a great reward and that not everyone is going to fit as a friend, you are more able to participate in the process.
My capacity for love is greater than I ever could have imagined. I discover this daily with Jeffrey. He has made my heart more open not just to him, but to everyone in my life. I have no intention of being a self-congratulatory mom, but I do know that my love for my son exceeds where I thought my capabilities ended.
No age, whatever the number, is all that scary when you’re happy with your life. The other night, I had a dream where I told someone from my past that, among other things, I am genuinely happy with my life. And I knew that deep down for a long time. But somehow it was time for me to really know it. Live it. Say it. Daily. Joyously. Into the next year with head held high and a world of possibilities in front of me.
Cheers to a great year past and a great one ahead!